So, here’s a bit of backstory for those who don’t know me well . . . or at all (and thank you for reading this if we’ve never been acquainted, because I’m a LOT).
I’ve been with my now husband for 14.5 years, and we’ve had a long journey. We were together for 11 years prior to his proposal (which I didn’t see coming, because, before he got down on one knee after treacherously gathering a handful of friends during COVID and presenting me with a ring that I loved - despite having no design input - I was truly content to replicate the seemingly wonderful life of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell).
We had a wedding three years later in September 2023, which was a fun party, and while in the planning stages, I completely underestimated the impact of having most of the people we love in one room. I was grateful that, despite a few annoying complaints, our guests rallied for the black tie attire mandate. I’m sending a special shoutout to my Friday night Zoom crew who accepted the assignment beautifully. Jen could have filled a closet with her beautiful dress options!
But to be clear, there was life before Lee. I maximized my single life, and it was one filled with invitations, a vibrant social circle, professional achievements, creative projects, and, yes, even a name!
When I met Lee, he amplified the fun. Lee makes friends fast, while I’m more wary of strangers and need time to warm up. He is way more outgoing, social, and has accolades of his own, which he enjoys discussing. Ad nauseam. He makes me more adventurous, and his dedication to creating exciting experiences is something I truly love.
But that’s not the point. When a woman is partnered with a man, the “rules” of patriarchy push her to take a back seat.
Even before we were engaged, I somehow found myself relegated to being introduced as “Lee’s girlfriend.” I didn’t mind the title. If only people would have said “this is Gina, Lee’s girlfriend,” it would have made all the difference in decreasing my disdain for the patriarchy. As part of a couple, did I no longer need a name? As our relationship strengthened, my anonymity has increased, and if we’re being honest, I fight to maintain my individual identity within our partnership. (By the way, "if we're being honest" is a phrase that I dislike, and doesn't imply past dishonesty for me. I usually edit it out, but I find it humorous to read later. Just know I'm always transparent, sometimes brutally so.)
Lee's in entertainment/marketing, and his storytelling prowess, though impressive, tends to dominate when we meet new people. My actual name often escapes new acquaintances until well into our tenth encounter, a curious phenomenon I find intriguing.
He claims that there are some settings where he’s “Gina’s husband,” but when he’s introduced that way, I’ve noticed that people immediately follow up with: “Nice to meet you. What’s your name, man?” As a juxtaposition, just a few nights ago, while out in a larger group comprised mostly of men, Lee walked away for a few minutes and when everyone in the group was being introduced, I was somehow completely overlooked. Without my man present, who knew what to do with me?
Now, as I re-read this, you might think that I’m being whiny. To clarify: this isn't about my ego. I'm indifferent to being seen as unmemorable or uninteresting. Sometimes it’s intentional. I enjoy socialization without the burden of constant engagement. I perfectly content myself by stealing quiet moments within social settings, where I’m free to savor the music, peacefully sip my bourbon, and escape banal conversations that are irrelevant to my professional pursuits. Due to my poor facial recognition skills, I often don't immediately register his friends either, so it's a relief to have a moment to lean into Lee and ask if I’ve met that person in the past.
You might wonder why I don’t interject and assert myself. Believe me, when it suits me, I do. If I sense that there’s any remote chance that we encounter a person who could be a client, I will shamelessly give Lee the “shut up” look, pinch him in the back and redirect him from the conversation.
But in random conversation, because I’m kind of an asshole, I like to perform social experiments.
Even some of Lee's long-time friends haven't shown interest in my life or career, and I’ve made a game of refusing to volunteer until they ask. In some cases, it’s taken 14 years. One of his shorter male friends once told me that he didn’t think I had a job, and thought that I was “just a woman who likes to party." (His comment sparked a delicious internal debate about which hand to use for a swift throat punch.)
However, I need to be cautious about what I ask for because my problems escalate when people (who are not potential clients) finally learn about my primary career in executive search. Suddenly, they're interested in my name, connecting on LinkedIn, sending resumes, and scheduling "15 minutes together" to discuss themselves as candidates. Despite my specific focus in a tight niche, they persist. Le sigh.
But that’s the topic of an entirely different post. Stay tuned. :-)
One of the most bothersome aspects of the patriarchy is the general tendency to downplay women when their partners are present. I know so many couples where the wives are the true stars, without question. It’s odd to watch them get underestimated in deference to their dimmer husbands.
It's equally baffling how people miss opportunities to connect and discover interesting individuals around them. I interview people for a living, and I relish in asking questions to gain perspective, learn new things, avoid saying the wrong thing (though I seem to excel at it anyway), and explore potential friendships or connections. You never know what you might find unless you ask, and every single person has something to teach — even if she only has a vagina.
While Lee is a lovely person, he benefits from the patriarchy, and although he claims not to, he settles in nicely with it and all of its trappings. It has become a joke for him, and he’s fond of asking if I’m tired of being in the shadows of his bright light before breaking into laughter. Fortunately he’s never posed this question while I’m holding a heavy object.
Does the patriarchy get on anyone else’s nerves? Just me? Tell me in the comments.
Thanks for reading!
Oh this rings so true. I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years. I have been in social settings with his friends on numerous occasions over the years. This past weekend I flat out asked one of them what I did for a living and he had no idea. At previous times, one didn’t know I had children. Another didn’t know my last name. I never feel seen as an individual person around them. So yeah, this one hit home for me.
Yes!!! I was recently discussing my job with my husband (he and I are in completely different lines of work). I’m on the leadership team in my organization (I am the only woman) and as I was venting some frustrations, I said something about very likely being the lowest paid member of said leadership team. His response? “Oh, no doubt you are,” to which I replied, “Oh yeah? Why is that?” Without hesitation, he replied, “Because they’re men.” Stunned I tell you. And not that my husband was remotely suggesting that I SHOULD be paid less than the others because I’m female, but I was disgusted at the thought, and the quickness with which his reply rolled off his tongue. As I sat there seething, I just looked him in the eye and with as much vitriol as I could muster, said, “because they’re men.” The thought, and a hundred others, at least distracted me enough to stop thinking about the other things I was venting about in the first place. So at least there’s that. But REALLY?